ER.

You know that decorative glass with the twigs or the grass in it? They have it at Old Country Buffet, they have it in the Emergency Room. it's on the panels of the receptionist desk. I clung to it for dear life, like if I let go I'd get sucked out of the room. Mostly because I was trying not to dig my nails into my skull. as my mom was talking to the receptionist and filling out forms another nurse asked who need to be seen, I raised my hand.

"What's wrong?"

I started sobbing and whispering that my head hurt, and could I please get a shot.
Im pretty sure I freaked the couple in the waiting room out, I was rocking back and forth, I'd turned most of the lights off, I was crying, and every couple minutes I'd reach up and try to see if I could tear the back of my head open. after the triage, after another stint in the waiting room, they put me in a room to wait for the doctor. I just sat on the little cot, rocking slightly, staring into space. When you reach a certain amount of pain, you just shut down. I have a high tolerance, I can do bodily pain, but when it comes to my head, even with a high tolerance, after so much, after the constant pain, you just shut down.
I dont know how long it was before the doctor came in, but it seemed like forever. I looked at his face once, before going back and staring at my spot on the floor, and answering his questions in barely a whisper. He told me I need to see my neurologist again, no shit. but he was nice. He was weirdly comforting. He left, and I stared at the floor. The nurse came in with a tray. Two needles. Two band aids. Two alcohol swabs. Toradol in one side of my ass, anti-nausea in the other. Then I had to wait for a while to see if the shots were working. ER's have weirdly comfy pillows. I just wanted to go home and sleep. Which I did. I woke up every three hours. but it hurt less. I tolerate the toradol better now then I did when I was younger, I used to get a lot more sick.

I stayed home, slept half the day. My head still hurts. It's not supposed to, I have enough pain medication in me to kill it for a week. but my head still hurts.

I just give up.

Aches and pains and medicine
mean nothing if you can feel your skin.-"because all the suffering is sweet to me"- envy on the coast

"For such small creatures as we, the vastness is only bearable through love."

that little pale blue dot, suspended in a beam of sunlight, that's home. That picture, that quote went inside my new locket.

broken toys for christmas.

I went back to school today. It was as uneventful as when I left. I remembered that I have to get up early on saturday and retake the state standard math test. I am unamused.

I wrapped Christmas presents, and packaged packages this evening. I wrote a christmas greeting to Sarah on a postcard with a humming bird, I wrote it with eyeliner. "San Francisco is waiting for us." It was punk. but you'd have to see it to understand.

In the meantime my head has been hurting so bad today. Nonstop. and I just haven't been able to think. Everything took three times the effort, and five times the concentration. My head hurts so bad. I've just been sitting at my desk grinding my teeth digging my nails into my desk wondering if I stick a pen through my temple, if it will hurt less and get me to my neuro appointment faster..Sometimes I dont think I should be left alone when my head hurts. I just need a good distraction. but it seems the one that works best is never around.

answers.

Whats Your Favorite Quote?

I have two.

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.” by Augusten Burroughs
and
“for such small creatures as we, the vastness is only bearable through love.” by Carl Sagan"

Im working on tattoos for both of those.

do you recommend any books? :]

Into The Wild, Hungry by Crystal Renn, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak, Magical Thinking by Augusten Burroughs, World War Z by Max Brooks and Patient Zero are all ones I've read recently or favorites

you are lost in the snow on a tropical island. in your possession are a pez dispenser, five matches, a bottle of pepto bismol, a lightsaber and half a saltine cracker. what do you do?

I like this question.

Uh. First I'd use the lightsaber to cut down some branches to make a little shelter/hut/whatever. Then I'd build a fire and light it using one of the 5 matches, then I'd use the pepto bismol to draw a NEED HELP sign on the beach (it's bright pink after all) then I'd have a nice meal of a saltine and pez. while I waited for help.

questionaire.

I dont know how many people lurk. but I posted the link on my twitter too.

Ask me anonymous (or not) things, or just say stuff.

I'll make one big post tonight or tomorrow.

http://www.formspring.me/hannahisazombie

Stable as a three leg table.

Today I went out with Keight, Lars, Jamie and Travis and saw the most wonderfully decorated house ever. I think Santa lived there. The guy had a mini ferris wheel covered in lights, and his entire yard was just filled with them it was so awesome. He even had his own radio station with carnival music playing. It was the most wonderful thing I've ever seen.

I've never led an extravegant life, but I dont care. Lately things have been tight. The washing machine broke. Im eating rice and pb&j this month. I have no clean clothes, no food, just no real stability.

Growing up my mom always worked, and I had a neglectful, abusive father. I am a shockingly stable person for my childhood, and for the life I've had. but still all I want is just some stability at home. Financially, with my mother, with my health, relationships, friendships. anything. I just want some stability in my life. Just the tiniest bit.

"If I write Santa and ask him for some stability in my life, do you think I'll get it?"
"You can't ask Santa for things that dont exist, Hannah."

One of the giant Christmas trees from the Mall of America.

The man had a fucking light up ferris wheel in his yard, and and so many lights the street lit up, and his own radio station playing carnival music. Im convinced this is where Santa lives.

"I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.”
—Augusten Burroughs

The greatest Thanksgiving ever.

lright, I know it's 4am, the morning after Thanksgiving, but my day has been so epic. and I dont even really like Thanksgiving, I think it's just Christmas without presents.

This morning I woke up to my favorite little face in the world about and inch above my face, breathing cat food breath at me, greating me with an ever cheery, and persistant stream of meows. Jack was stoked for today, he loves turkey. It's the only human food he'll eat.

After sitting around on the internet all morning, and getting told by my amazing internet friends how thankful they are for me, I went to my grandparents. We talked for an hour or so, and then ate the delicious dinner my grandma made. It was so good. Then my Uncle Joe came over without my aunt or little cousins, and I was really stoked, because I haven't had my uncle to myself for like 10 years, and he was like my dad growing up. It was funny, my grandpa, my uncle and I all sit the same way with our legs crossed at the ankle, shaking one foot, with our arms crossed or behind our head, I kind of laughed to myself. Then we had pie, and it was awesome, because I fucking love pie. I mean, who doesn't love pie?

A couple hours after I got home my friends Sierra, and Jasmine, and their friend Taylor had literally a 6 hour chat on aim. we watched Awesome Pawesome on Animal planet, and Elf together (I fucking love Elf) and we're ridiculously awesome. It made my entire night. I got to talk to another friend of mine who said lots of nice things to

me, and means the world to me.

Everything about this day has been fucking awesome. It's 4:20 in the morning and Im tired, but at the same time Im not, it's a little ridiculous, I should most defiantly go to sleep soon.

Here are my amazing grandparents being amazing.

This is the cutest dude on the planet.

These two girls made my night epically.